...behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.
And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split.
(Matthew 27:50-51 ESV)

The curtain is torn. The curtain to the Holy of Holies, the most sacred place in the temple where the Most High God makes His dwelling. God is no longer elusive. He is unveiling Himself to the world, nailed to a cross. And I can go to Him, weak and wounded as I am.

And knowing that, my friends, is enough to make Good Friday truly Good.

Breaking down spring break.

Detroit.

Desolate. Burned out. Dead. Deserted. Forgotten.

Mack Ave.

Rising up. Renewing. Restoring. Preserving. Resurrecting.

The days.

Demolishing. Disposing. Engaging. Laughing. Painting. Eating. Showering.

The nights.

Sardines. Ice cream. Slamball. Music. Conversation. Prayer. Sleep?

The team.

Eclectic. Hard-working. Family. Life-giving.

The experience.

Refreshing. Memorable. Worthwhile.

I am a tree.

Grace usually appears more beautiful through a broken window of a soul. When I am needy and don't do the things I want to do, grace is a sweet song floating through the air. His love is oxygen to the soul.

But on days when heaven feels near, when I feel as if I could touch the sky, I have an inner sense of achievement and victory. Though my mind knows the brutal reality, my heart tells me I am whole, put together, and have things figured out for the time being. I feel happy with Jesus, but also with how awesome I am for supposedly climbing to the top of some spiritual mountain.

Today was one of those days dripping with life and freedom found only in Jesus, but ya know what made it even more precious? Beginning to grasp the fact that my true inner condition does not merit being drenched in living water. That I am just as needy and disgusting as I am the days my soul is weighed down and yet God chooses to cover me in His grace and make my spirit soar...is mind boggling. It makes no sense to a world of people trying to climb to the top of everything.

But it shows who God is. He chooses to love out of concern for His glory, if for no other reason (credit to Steve Rieske). The days I shy away from Him out of shame and timidity, He wraps His arms around me and won't let go. No matter how much I try to wriggle away.

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy...

My Dear Child,

Today is not the day you will finally get it right. You will not arrive at perfection before you go to bed. In fact, you will spend your time chasing worthless things. You will think of yourself first and forget about those I have placed around you. You will forget about Me and try to make things work alone. You will be selfish, arrogant, and prideful. You will say things you regret and leave kind words unspoken. You will think thoughts of greed, comparison, and discontent. You will take your eyes off Me.

But today is a day I will show you Grace in abundance. Though you will forget Me, I will never leave you or forsake you. When you fail to abide, I will carry you. Though your mind will get lost in the worries of the day, I will quiet you with My Love. When you become anxious and afraid, I will remind you of Who I Am in the sunlight dancing through the trees, the birds singing, and the vastness of the sky. Though your flesh may be selfish, My steadfast love dwells within you, and I will transform the world by it. Though your words may be flaky and careless, I will speak words of Life through you. I will hold your hand, and you will not fall.

These things I do because you are Mine, because you are precious, and I love you.

Rest, child. My grace is sufficient for you.

--

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

More ramblings

-My spiritual life and my musical life have felt awfully similar lately. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'll (gasp) never be perfect, this side of heaven. As Julianne Judge would say, sounds like I have a case of humanity. Knowing that can make life feel futile, but perfection was never the point of life or music. My life and my music are meant to reflect and display the Beauty of my Creator, in spite of all my flaws. In fact, it's even more marvelous that He can even produce anything beautiful out of this broken down life. Something my pastor at home said the other Sunday jumped out at me directly. God didn't save me because of anything I am. He saved me to show how great He is. Simple, yet profound. Indeed.

-I struggle to let myself be loved unconditionally. I want to be loveable first. But the reality is there's a lot of me that's not loveable. I want to have done something deserving of love. But even if I have, chances are, my motives were not pure, but desiring love in return. Leave it to CS Lewis: "God loves us; not because we are loveable, but because He is love, not because He needs to receive but because He delights to give." Bam.

-I'm feeling the the bittersweet-ness of graduating. I'm excited for what lies beyond, because I know it's good. I just know. But at the same time, I have poured 3 1/2 years into this community, and I don't want to leave. Never before have I been so known and so loved in spite of me. Never before has my life had such direction and purpose. But now, my purpose is leaving a foundation for those who will follow. And I know that people will rise up and carry on in these places I've invested; I'm excited for that happen. I just want to be here to experience it...

-Snow is so much more bearable with jazz.

-I forgot how brilliant Ben Folds is.

-Fear is perverted faith.

-Going back to Lewis. I'm totally digging his Space Trilogy. That's right. I'm not even a sci-fi person. Call me a nerd, but Book 2, Perelandra, is this incredible Eden parallel...on VENUS. Made me think of what it really means to be human. To be human is to have a child-like dependence on the Father. We have created all kinds of (failing) systems because we can't trust and because we can't trust, we can't love. Just imagine, though, living day to day trusting God for your needs, not keeping a retirement fund or a refrigerator of food...just asking for your daily bread and believing He will provide. Can't help but think this is what He was trying to teach the Israelites in the desert, with manna. And Jesus definitely picks this theme up. "Consider the ravens; they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them..." (Luke 12:24) I don't freak out about food, but I do try to store up other things. Time, for one. And my supply of 'life.' Why? I want control. I think I can handle my life better than God can. Hm. I'll let you know how that one goes.

-However, I have made the realization that I am more dependent than I was. Something about being real before God and other people forces you to move toward them and admit your need. It's freeing. At 18, I thought I had it together. At 21, I've never felt further from it.

-Love. It always always always comes back to love. Everything.

-It sounds obvious, but I just had this realization that there will never be a perfect time to _______. Life's conditions are never perfect. Ever. Whatever you want to do, there will always be something pushing against it. So what you really desire in life is shown by what you're willing to fight for. Talk is cheap.

-Poli sci major hasn't watched the State of the Union yet. oops.

-I like you.

2010: Carried

I've been trying to figure out one word to describe 2010, and it hasn't been easy.

In a lot of ways, I couldn't have asked for more. The year started out in India, I got to spend a great week serving in Detroit for spring break, I had an unforgettable week as a piano camp counselor in BG, I got to share in the wedding celebrations of sweet friends, I had a fantastic time ziplining and fishing with my family in Mexico, my dear friend Sara came to visit, I had my first Cedar Point experience, I was reunited with project friends for Labor Day, God romanced me in so many ways, I've gotten to know so many awesome people in BG, and the year ended in prayer at IndyCC.

But there was also this reality that it was hard. Really hard. Several months went by where I thought I'd never feel God again. I thought I'd never feel love again. For Him or even my dear friends. It sounds melodramatic, but it was grueling. I'd have a glimpse of Light, but then be plunged into darkness again. But somehow, I made it through. And what was on the other side was even more glorious. God. And He was even greater than I knew Him to be. I have no other way to describe the journey other than I was carried. Carried by God. Across the dark abyss. Across the battlefield. Across the raging oceans. Satan did everything he could to tear me away. And it didn't work. HA!

And He keeps carrying me. I feel Him literally taking me by the hand to go places and say and do things that I wouldn't have done. He keeps romancing me, sweeping me off my feet. And I know He will carry me until I meet Him face to face, because I could never do this thing alone. (despite my foolish overconfidence at times.)

2011? This year, I'm choosing to embrace my weakness and fully depend on His strength. I know this year will be one of unprecedented change, challenges, emotions, and unpredictability. Where will I end up? India? Texas? BG? Columbus? Even though I don't know what life will bring after May, I believe this year will be one of incredible joy, fruitfulness, adventure, freedom, and discipline. I'm standing by this quote: "Set no borders to His strength." If He is as strong as He says, there are no limits to what I can ask of Him, and no what limits to what He can do. And if I believe that He is good, I can trust His strength. I will be carried. And in my weakness, I will be made strong.

Take off your make-up and come.

I like when thoughts come to me in the most random of places...like in the bathroom of my hotel room at IndyCC (Cru's annual Winter Conference in downtown Indianapolis!).

I realized this. To go meet someone, you touch-up your make-up. To come before God, you have to take off your makeup.

It's funny, because in the morning, you look at your face (if you are of the female type), and think disgusted thoughts. You can't possibly be seen like this. You cake on whatever you can to make yourself presentable to the world.

But by the time you've made it through a day, it's the best feeling to be exposed. To take off the mask and be real. To let your pores breathe again.

And God doesn't want the beautified version of yourself that you put on for everyone else. He doesn't wanted the smoothed-out, concealed, covered-up you. He wants the bumpy, uneven, oily, zit-faced you. Not the perfect, has-it-all-together, rule-following, well one. The conceited, prideful, stubborn, sick one.

I find great rest in that thought. Not that it is always easy. Sometimes I'd rather keep my make-up on for Him. But He already knows what's beneath. He knows all of my blemishes better than I do. But He wants me as I am. And He has a better kind of make-up, a real solution: the precious blood of Jesus.