New bloggety blog

Some of you might have noticed I've started writing elsewhere. This blog has tended toward my spiritual journey and musings along the way. I'm sure I'll still pop in here every now and then. I've started a new blog at http://jacinthagrace.wordpress.com/ to be another space for my musings, especially as I start a new adventure as a graduate student. I hope it's a way for me to challenge, express, and encourage.

I've realized writing is like breathing to me, as well as a healthy discipline. I think God has made me this way for a reason, but I'm not sure exactly why, yet. We shall see. 

Lenten Reflections, Week Two

So much life packed into one week. In so many ways. What am I learning?

It's hard to purposefully pick a long line to wait in.

It's hard to stay in the slow lane and let other cars pass me up.

It's hard to walk slowly.

It's hard to do one thing at a time.

It's hard to be stuck on an escalator behind an older woman and her big suitcase when I'm trying to get across the airport to catch my flight.

It's hard to wait for graduate schools to make me offers for assistantships.

It's hard to watch friends move through life experiencing things I thought I'd experience by now. Engagement, marriage, kids, career.

It's hard to "be second" so to speak, when your whole life you've been taught to climb to the top.

It's even harder to want others to pass you up and truly desire that they get where they need to go. 

Lenten Reflections, Week 1

We live during an age where  everything must happen right now, and not a second too late. Which is why the church calendar is now more relevant than ever. It's not inherently holy, but it's a beautiful way to mark time. It's a way to remember that, as the writer of Ecclesiastes says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." We cannot actively engage in all activities necessary for growth at one time. 

Lent is a season of repentance. It's a season we heed the call to return to the Lord with all of our hearts. In Denver, we opened every service during Lent with the reading of the Ten Commandments, and following each commandment, the response, "Amen. Lord, have mercy." It's a season we recognize the holiness and perfection of God and our need for His mercy to heal our splintered souls. We remember He is the Creator, and we are the created. 

This Lent, I'm feeling pulled toward something a little different. As this season has approached, the weight on my soul has been its propensity toward busyness. Not necessarily overbooking myself, just jumping from one task to another, opening one browser tab after another, multi-tasking. So normal. But there's also thought overload. Emotional whims. And heart unsettledness.  I miss out on what the King is up to in the world because I'm so preoccupied trying to create equilibrium in my little world. I don't want to silence His movement, His whispers, His stirrings within. 

There is hope. 

I can do one thing at a time, and do it with Him. I can drive (below) the speed limit, eat slowly, go to the longest checkout line, park far away, walk slowly, and submit to God's agenda and not my whims.  I am giving up multi-tasking, hurriedness, and impulsivity in hopes of recognizing my finite nature and His sovereignty. Colossians says that Jesus holds all things together. It all belongs to Him, and He's a lot better King than I am. 

Here's to adventures. Who knows what this season will hold. 

"Remember you are dust, and to dust you will return." 

“The letters of the name of God in Hebrew… are infrequently pronounced Yahweh. But in truth they are inutterable….This word {YHWH} is the sound of breathing.The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing. That these letters are unpronounceable is no accident. Just as it is no accident that they are also the root letters of the Hebrew verb ‘to be’… God’s name is name of Being itself.” 

~Rabbi Lawrence Kushner

Of all the things Jesus could have said to do daily...
   
                                                                                        Read the Bible...
                 
                                ...Spend an hour in prayer
Go to Church...
                                                                                                  ...Share the Gospel
               Study Theology...
                                                      ...Walk an old lady across the street
        Fast...
                                          Think 'spiritual' thoughts...
  Go to a third world country...
                                                                             ...Advocate for social justice 
Meditate... 


He says, "Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me." 

None of these things is inherently bad. 

But they aren't the essence of the Christian life, either. 

The essence of Christianity is taking up His Cross. 

And it's... heavy. 

Every.

Day. 

Reunited.

This past Sunday, I got an early Christmas gift in the form of  my dear friend, Kate. We met at Denver Seminary and quickly made the connection that she was born in my hometown and we had a mutual friend, Lauren Colarusso. It was a sweet surprise when I got a text Sunday morning saying she was in town and wondering if I'd have time to meet up later. Did I? Not even a question.

Our meeting marked my first reunion with a Denver friend. The last time I saw Kate was after  a week of packing, tearful goodbyes, emotions spilling out all over the place, knowing I needed to leave, but staring into an unknown future (and one last hike before resettling on the flatlands of Ohio.) Parting ways on an uncommonly cloudy Colorado day with my close girlfriends after one 'last supper' in downtown Littleton was a tear-filled, heart-wrenching affair.

But the waiting to see one of these faces again was so worth it. How incredible it was to recount the past seven months with Kate. Seminary, especially the counseling program, is a unique place. It has this effect on all who choose to experience it fully. It kind of wrecks you. Exposes all of your crap. Makes you deal with it, even the stuff you thought was resolved a long time ago. Forces you to live in true community because you have no other choice than to be needy and broken with others. All this toward the end that you would learn to be yourself before the Lord and walk with Him more intimately in order to be a true lover of people. But it hurts like hell. 

Kate and I, we've walked through this together. This process of having God smash your heart into smitherines with a hammer and then wondering if you'll ever be a functioning human being again. (You won't, not in the way you thought.) Seeing Kate brought a piece of  Denver back and made the whole experience real again, but also reminded me that since then, God has made good on His promises to heal and restore. Beauty from ashes. Mourning to dancing. Death to life. Sunday, our hearts celebrated the Lord's faithfulness, His answers to prayer, His perfect timing, the wonder of His ways that are so much higher than ours. 

My heart cannot stop smiling. 

Desire

I can remember the first time someone finally put a finger on it. 

I was 12 years old, writing a research paper on Chopin for my seventh grade English class. I came across a line that perfectly identified what I experienced when I played Chopin. It spoke of Chopin's music as depicting a journey toward an "unattainable feeling." 

That was it. 

As a young girl, Chopin had awakened my heart to feel. Really feel. Things like Longing. Desire. Angst. Yearning. 

The deep stirring in the soul. Longing for transcendence. Integration. Wholeness. Shalom. 

Even though others belittled my seemingly foolish heart, I knew it was true.  So I refused to give in on my search for this "unattainable feeling," For years, I chased it down and never found.  Until, as a sophomore in college, I heard my friend Steve say that "the Bible is for those who yearn for Eden."

And in that moment, I knew that my yearning had a place with the longings of all of humanity, and that God had not abandoned me in my desire. I was not alone. And you, my friend, are not either. 

In her book, Invitation to Solitude and Silence, Ruth Haley Barton says this: 

"Your desire for God is the truest and most essential thing about you. It is truer than your sin, it is truer than your woundedness, it is truer than your net worth, your marital status or any role or responsibility you hold. Your desire for God and your capacity to connect with God as a human soul is the essence of who you are. But there is an even greater truth: before you were even aware of your desire for God, God desired you."

This is Advent. God became man because He desires us. Not anything from us. Us. Human beings. Our hearts. Our souls. Our bodies.  The deep groans of the soul are not without purpose. On the contrary, they are His whispers, inviting us to be immersed into the depths of His Being.  

What will you do with your desire this Christmas? You can pretend the desire doesn't exist, give into despair because the desire is too much to bear, or follow your desire out to sea. Following desire is a risk. Is it worth it? I'll let you decide for yourself.