More ramblings

-My spiritual life and my musical life have felt awfully similar lately. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'll (gasp) never be perfect, this side of heaven. As Julianne Judge would say, sounds like I have a case of humanity. Knowing that can make life feel futile, but perfection was never the point of life or music. My life and my music are meant to reflect and display the Beauty of my Creator, in spite of all my flaws. In fact, it's even more marvelous that He can even produce anything beautiful out of this broken down life. Something my pastor at home said the other Sunday jumped out at me directly. God didn't save me because of anything I am. He saved me to show how great He is. Simple, yet profound. Indeed.

-I struggle to let myself be loved unconditionally. I want to be loveable first. But the reality is there's a lot of me that's not loveable. I want to have done something deserving of love. But even if I have, chances are, my motives were not pure, but desiring love in return. Leave it to CS Lewis: "God loves us; not because we are loveable, but because He is love, not because He needs to receive but because He delights to give." Bam.

-I'm feeling the the bittersweet-ness of graduating. I'm excited for what lies beyond, because I know it's good. I just know. But at the same time, I have poured 3 1/2 years into this community, and I don't want to leave. Never before have I been so known and so loved in spite of me. Never before has my life had such direction and purpose. But now, my purpose is leaving a foundation for those who will follow. And I know that people will rise up and carry on in these places I've invested; I'm excited for that happen. I just want to be here to experience it...

-Snow is so much more bearable with jazz.

-I forgot how brilliant Ben Folds is.

-Fear is perverted faith.

-Going back to Lewis. I'm totally digging his Space Trilogy. That's right. I'm not even a sci-fi person. Call me a nerd, but Book 2, Perelandra, is this incredible Eden parallel...on VENUS. Made me think of what it really means to be human. To be human is to have a child-like dependence on the Father. We have created all kinds of (failing) systems because we can't trust and because we can't trust, we can't love. Just imagine, though, living day to day trusting God for your needs, not keeping a retirement fund or a refrigerator of food...just asking for your daily bread and believing He will provide. Can't help but think this is what He was trying to teach the Israelites in the desert, with manna. And Jesus definitely picks this theme up. "Consider the ravens; they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them..." (Luke 12:24) I don't freak out about food, but I do try to store up other things. Time, for one. And my supply of 'life.' Why? I want control. I think I can handle my life better than God can. Hm. I'll let you know how that one goes.

-However, I have made the realization that I am more dependent than I was. Something about being real before God and other people forces you to move toward them and admit your need. It's freeing. At 18, I thought I had it together. At 21, I've never felt further from it.

-Love. It always always always comes back to love. Everything.

-It sounds obvious, but I just had this realization that there will never be a perfect time to _______. Life's conditions are never perfect. Ever. Whatever you want to do, there will always be something pushing against it. So what you really desire in life is shown by what you're willing to fight for. Talk is cheap.

-Poli sci major hasn't watched the State of the Union yet. oops.

-I like you.