A Love Story

Child of weakness, watch and pray, find in Me thine all in all.

If you've heard my story before, you might recall a certain encounter with God at Indy CC a little over a year ago that radically redefined my life. In that moment, while singing Jesus Paid it All, I found myself truly drowning in grace for the first time. I found real life. Since then, I've been journeying through different seasons and finding that God is faithful through it all. The last few months have been a true test of walking by faith, not emotion, not intellect...just plain faith. It's hard to seek His face, and not His hand. Sometimes I've felt like a screaming baby, so wanting God to just shove a pacifier in my mouth and give me something tangible to grab onto. The problem is, He's never been holding out on me.

The problem is me. I'm so often spiritually unaware. I'd rather focus on myself and fail to see God's hand in everything. But He is a gracious Father and one thing He will never hold from us is His love. His answers to prayer may not be the ones I want, but they are what I need. So when I asked to clearly know His love, He showed me in the sweetest ways. The unconditional love of a dear friend who after I had confessed my struggles to her, only held me closer because of it; puffy, white clouds against a brilliant blue sky; Him waking me up at 6:30 am before an exam so I could be with Him, truths from a wise friend via Skype, the pure, childlike love of a certain five year old boy, and Oasis.

I went to Oasis not really expecting any emotional high. But I did want God. For most of the night, I was at peace just sitting in the back, listening, soaking up the beautiful sound of God's people making much of Him, with little Danny sleeping on my lap, but at the end of the night, God decided to yank me out of it. He took me back to the place He had grabbed me fifteen months before, weeping in the truths of Jesus Paid it All. "Child of weakness, watch and pray..." I tried to sing the first verse, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I tried to stifle the sobs, but they were the kind that come from your deep within that aren't worth even trying to stop. But there was so much joy in the letting go. So much freedom. So much assurance that the good work God began is still going on. So much relief that God is still near.

God is good. He is faithful when I am faithless. He is timeless. He has a plan. He is love. That is what I will take into whatever comes at me next.

O praise the One who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead.

World Water Day

On a day we are complaining about the rain, take a few minutes and think about the people around the world who do not have access to clean water, the children that die of diarrhea and other preventable causes. How crazy it is that all we have to do is turn on a faucet? Not walk five miles and carry the bucket on our heads...

Water is a necessity for life. Today is a great day to give it to someone who needs it. Check out blood:water mission, an organization started by Jars of Clay that's doing some sweet things.

Pieces of a Big Blue Sky

Faith is jumping into the unknown. Life is so full of unknown. I think a lot, maybe too much...about life, God, myself, just about why ________ is the way it is. This week so many things have come into question, which is a funny thing, because I hate the unknown and love it all at the same time.

My bearded friend Teddy Brown used the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle so I'm going to go with it. The only difference is, when you do a jigsaw puzzle, you start from the edges. Life doesn't work like that. It's more like finding random pieces that belong somewhere but you don't really know where. Like pieces of a big blue sky. Sometimes you try to push a piece in and it doesn't work so you keep turning it around, hoping to force it in somewhere. When I find two that fit, the satisfaction lasts for a little while. Until I realize that there are more pieces missing than put together. My mind runs in circles looking for something, anything to grab onto to fill the space, the unknown...

Two conclusions I can draw.

The cognitive dissonance, the tension, is good. I am more afraid of complacency than anything else. If you or I never questioned the status quo, never questioned the lenses with which we saw the world, we would stay very flat people. Flat like a warm can of coke. Gross.

Jesus calls himself the Light of the world. The psalmist writes, "in your light we see light." Light is truth. Seeing the world through Christ, we see things as they are. As I draw nearer to Him, things come into clearer focus. But until our hearts and minds are completely freed from the selfishness that cloud them, a lot of things won't make sense. God won't make sense. He's not supposed to. The trite answers are not satisfactory. Sometimes, even the most advanced theological, philosophical ones aren't either. And being okay with that is hard.

"For I can promise you none of this...no land of inquiry, for I bring you not to the land of questions, but of answers, and you will see the face of God." -C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

Best. Life. Group. Ever.

I would just like to take this opportunity to brag about the awesome-ness that is my life group. These people are the real deal.

Tonight, our wonderful men cooked dinner for us, waited on us (in southern accents), wrote awesome haikus about us, and just exemplified Christ's love so well. Then we got to spend some sweet time laughing and writing encouragement to each other...

I'm sad to say that I take this for granted way too much. The people that I live life with are INCREDIBLE, and that's an understatement. My community is so full of LIFE, so full of Jesus' LOVE, and so full of JOY. They are real with their struggles and honest about their shortcomings but also allow us the pleasure of celebrating victories as a group.

Without this community around me, I am NOTHING. We need each other.

P.S. If you need a safe place to journey and people to do life with...come hang with us :)

L-O-V-E

Let's fall in love...why shouldn't we fall in love?

Love sounds so easy. So mushy, gooey, chocolatey, warm, and fuzzy. At least, it starts out that way...and then it's hard. Just plain hard.

As long as things stay surface-y, it's easy to love. And easy to be loved. I love you for all the good things you are, and as long as I keep wearing my mask of having things together, I feel pretty lovable.

But then, things get messy. I get annoyed by your little quirks and things that rub me wrong. You find out that I'm kind of a jerk sometimes and that I get on your nerves.

Eventually, I find out that my love is not pure. It's selfish and broken and sometimes mixed with pride and jealousy. So I doubt the ability of anyone else to love either. Especially to love me for who I am.

And yet, there is a deep love that sees past the mess and gives without any strings attached. A love so strong, so pure, so fierce, so relentless. I don't understand God's love, and therefore I struggle to love. I don't want to fight it anymore. I want to run into His arms as His little girl and fall in love all over again. And then run out into the world and give it all away.

A thought from Lewis...

“About death, I go through different moods, but the times when I can desire it are never, I think, those when this world seems harshest. On the contrary, it is just when there seems to be most of Heaven already here that I come nearest to longing for the patria [the heavenly homeland]. It is the bright frontispiece which whets one to read the story itself. All joy (as distinct from mere pleasure, still more amusement) emphasizes our pilgrim status: always reminds, beckons, awakes desire. Our best havings are wantings.” -C.S. Lewis

Full of grace and truth

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." -John 1:14, 16-17

Grace and truth. Truth and grace. One without the other is fatal. Jesus brought both. Jesus is life.

Grace...a long time ago, I memorized a definition for grace that went something along the lines of, "God giving me a free gift I don't deserve" and I like it. I have never done anything to earn His favor, yet God keeps giving good gifts because He is a loving Father and I am His daughter.

Somehow, though, grace can easily turn into license to behave in any way we want. The idea of "cheap grace" is dangerous. It can lead us to miss the point of following Jesus at all. The gospel I understood growing up was "accept Jesus into your heart...now you know you're going to heaven, so you don't have to lie awake worrying about going to hell...so go on living life, go to church, just don't do anything really bad." Maybe I was ignorant in my, ahem, younger days, but I see this kind of feel-good "Christianity" a lot...it appeals to our consumeristic worldview. It gives us a get out of hell free card, and gives us religion without rules. If I've asked Jesus into my heart, He won't keep me from heaven just because I want to enjoy life while I can. YET, this kind of "grace" also keeps us from truly living. Cheap grace keeps us trapped in the sinful nature that Jesus came to save us from. He knows how life is meant to be lived, who we were meant to be, and empowers us to be that by His Spirit. He desires to transform us into the kind of people that love and give freely, shining light into a darkened world. Cheap grace leaves us looking a lot like the rest of the world, with no true hope to offer.

However, God's favor given as part of a love relationship, is meaningless without truth. If I don't realize what I truly deserve, and who I truly am, what God offers has little value. If I think that I am a pretty good person and that I am entitled to God's love, then why do I need grace? Jesus dying on the cross is of little meaning if I don't need a savior. So, moving on...

Truth...what is truth, Pilate asks. Jesus goes as far to say, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." Truth is not always pleasant. It can be painful. It sheds light on reality. Jesus came into a world of sinners to show us how short we fall. Up to this point, the goal of Judaism was to follow the law religiously, to keep up an appearance of holiness. Jesus rebuked the religious teachers of the day, calling them "whitewashed tombstones." In Matthew, the Sermon on the Mount shows the true nature of God's desires for His people; God desires not just right outward actions, but a heart that deeply loves God and others and acts out of that love. When we look at ourselves in this light, we realize that even the good we do often has selfish motives and how much we serve ourselves first. It is possible to do everything right, but be an ugly person inside. Seeing ourselves in light of Jesus' teachings, this becomes apparent.

Yet, if all Jesus showed us was truth, we would not be able to handle it. One of my favorite novels, The Picture of Dorian Gray, has a good illustration of this. Dorian begins as a handsome, innocent young man, untainted by the ways of the world. His friend, painter Basil Hallward, paints a portrait of Dorian. He eventually sells his soul so that the portrait will age instead of him. As he embraces a hedonistic lifestyle, he remains unchanged. However, in the final scene, Dorian sees the mess of himself in the portrait and plunges a knife into his heart. In the same way, if Jesus only showed us the depth of our sinful nature without offering Himself as our mediator, we would be completely hopeless.

Both grace and truth alone leave us still a broken humanity. But God does not leave us to suffer the fate of either one. Instead He shows us his overflowing love by giving us His Son, full of grace AND truth. He alone is our redemption and hope through the valleys of life.