'Peace, child; you don't understand.'

“The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed – might grow tired of his vile sport – might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren’t. Either way, we’re for it.” -CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

After watching Shadowlands this summer, I became more curious about Lewis' personal journey of falling in love, watching his wife battle cancer, losing her, and finally, grieving her. There's something refreshing about the fact that such a strong apologist for the Christian faith comes to a place such as this and questions all that he knows to be true. This short work was originally penned under a pseudonym, and is the most brutally honest writing of Lewis, filled with anger, doubts, fear, and yet surrender to an all-knowing Father and Good King. I've been wrestling with a lot of the same questions lately. And no answer is ever satisfactory. But even in the midst of his grief, Lewis provides a beautiful view of God's Father heart.

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand'"